04-27-2013 PHX to MSP

I look out the airplane window at the sun disappearing behind the mountains. The colors of the sky are indescribable. Red, orange, yellow, and blue across the horizon. It’s like seeing these colors for the first time. The colors would normally cause admiration and fascination, today it’s only sadness. The beauty of this place brings only sadness now. I pull out my notebook and start writing about what I see, knowing that if I don’t, all the emotion of this moment will make it impossible to remember the details. Years from now I’ll try to remember this moment, the moment I said “good-bye”. Because this is it, it is now. I never said it in person. I spoke it when we spread his ashes in the desert. But I didn’t feel the finality until I saw the mountains disappearing outside this window.

It’s difficult to write with tears gathering. I lean back to take a break and I flash a memory of a dream I had a few months ago. I dreamt I was on a plane. I saw myself from above, writing in a notebook. The interior was dim and I saw orange and pink hues glowing through the window. In the dream I could not see what I was writing. Even though I was watching myself, I could feel that I was sad. A deep sadness, an unfamiliar sadness. I remember waking from that dream and feeling dread. Something I didn’t shake for a while. The dream had felt so real. I could not figure out where I was in the dream. I couldn’t figure out where I was going or what I was doing.

Today I figured out where I was, where I was going, and what I was doing. I dreamt this months ago. I don’t want to dream anymore.

11-14-2013 – While I was waiting for an appointment earlier this week, I was skimming through one of my numerous notebooks and I found these words from April. I felt that almost seven months later I could finally transcribe them. I wanted to record them for myself. I’m not really sure why I’m sharing them here. Maybe for my siblings. Or maybe for therapy.